Intimacy

Ok...so I've been told (recently) that I lack intimacy. I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment. I'm also not sure I know what that means exactly. I've also been told that I don't share my self...not myself...but my self. See the subtle difference? Once again, I'm not sure I understand what that means or how that looks, how it manifests itself in my day-to-day behaviour. I've been "marinating" on it for a couple of days now and I'm still I'm not sure I get it. Do I have a screw loose? A not-fully connected wire somewhere? Because i truly don't know how to be any different to what i am. I guess this is something I need to explore. But it's late and I'm going to go to sleep and see if I can conjure up some intimate dreams. 

friendships and predictions

So trawling through my old blog posts last night I came across one from September 2005 that started with this statement:

i have three friends in my life that i have no doubt will be in my life for the rest of my life. the entirety. forever. till death do us part. i only have one other 100% convincing thought about my life and that is that i will die in the city in which i was born. it's an overwhelming thought. a prophecy almost. a thought filled with comfort. but what a horrible thought. to have to live some part of my life without any one of them. i hope i die first.

Apparently a lot can change in eight years! Even something that I had NO DOUBT wouldn’t, actually did! Two of those everlasting friends are actually not really friends any more. Not in my sense of the word “friend”. One left my life to commit to her religion (I think). Part of me understands that. If nothing else I appreciate people who stand up for and live by their convictions. If she truly believes that being gay is against the teachings of the bible then who am I to judge her for her convictions. I certainly don’t want her (or anyone) to judge me for my convictions. Obviously it is hurtful and disappointing. I have hope that one day she will return to my life. About this friend I went on to further write:

it hasn't always been easy. our friendship. the thing that has caused us the most grief, MEN! now that i'm no longer interested in men, there is no more grief between us. there is nothing (now), in my life, that i would not tell her. our friendship hasn't been perfect. i haven't been a perfect friend. but if there is anything that i have learned from her it's the value of friendship. and the power of forgiveness. there is nothing in this world that i would not do for her and her little boy. that is a fact.

Perhaps she was only supposed to be in my life for 35 years so that I could learn those valuable lessons. The other ‘friend’ just left and I don’t know why. She hasn’t physically left although she does live a distance away but she’s just not there/here with me. This is how I described our friendship back in 2005:

we have known each other since 1993. from the first day we met we both felt like we had met our soul mate. kindred spirits. it was mutual. strange for two heterosexual women (well so we thought!). we have a lot in common. chosen profession (for awhile). music. movies. only-child syndrome. lesbianism. i don't think there is one thing that binds us. it's a package deal. hard to pin-point THE one thing that has kept our friendship constant. unexplainable really. she has an incredible sense of humour. she is one person who I can really laugh with and i think i tickle her funny bone also. once again, words are inadequate (in my vocab) to describe this beautiful and unique friendship that i have.

The third friend that I mentioned in the opening paragraph, well she is still around…and by around I mean on the other side of the world. We keep up-to-date with each other’s lives via FB. That seems to work for us. Friendships and predictions. Who would have thought I’d get it so wrong?!

drunkard

i've just spent part of tonight reading back through blog entries from 2005. holy cow! when i think back to that time, i know i was making some really bad decisions. decisions based on my emotional state at the time. i had broken up with yet another girl (this time with one that had kids) and found comfort in a 'married' woman whom i worked with. a woman who was much older than me. a woman who was in a role of authority. a woman of maturity. an artistic woman. it was exciting. i was single. i had not a care in the world. obviously i was not thinking rationally nor with maturity. anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. most of my poor decisions at the time where fueled by alcohol. drunken emails sent to my 'lover'. flowers ordered over the internet (to be delivered to my lover) during an alcoholic stupor only to regret it the next day and frantically call the florist to cancel the order or at least divert the delivery of said flowers. but my penchant for alcohol had started many years earlier. but i found i turned to it in times of extreme emotional confusion. which ended up just being a comforting habit in good times and bad. what's the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic? this is a question that i ask myself on a daily basis. i once read that alcoholism is when you drink so much that it effects your day-to-day life. i guess reflecting back on the events of 2005 one could say alcohol was having an effect. in my blog i write about going to work with a hang-over. i write about not being able to string thoughts together because of too much red wine. i've already mentioned some of the behaviour that followed a night fueled by booze. this to me sounds like an alcoholic. but lets examine me today. i no longer go to work with a hang-over. i haven't made any really bad decisions of late, it fact the complete opposite. my life is sooo stayed that i'm boring myself to an early and self-inflicted death but what about the these actions: i know i can get 3 glasses of vodka from one can of diet coke. i only like to drink vodka from a certain glass that way i can assure the proportion of vodka v diet coke is correct - hence i can get 3 drinks from one can. it's scientific. it's cost effective. when buying vodka i purposely try not to go to the same bottlo too often. instead i vary it between the 2 BWSs near my house and the First Choice Liquor on my way home from work. i will only buy vodka for as long as i can find it for under $30 a bottle. i am literally scared of that day arriving when there is a rice hike and i can't buy it for the right price. i am a woman of convictions and this may be a promise i have set myself that i am doomed to fail. it's not all bad. I no longer go to work, like i did in 2005, feeling like i have a hang-over - but is that just because i'm 'piss-fit'?

here we go again

Well well well...look what I've found. i've resurrected my very old blog. it's been, what, 3 years! way too long. i enjoyed reading the post about turning 39. now i'm almost 43 and i have to say, nothing has changed. yes i celebrated my 40th like there was no tomorrow but the endless feeling of emptiness...of "there must be more to life" continues. the need to push boundaries. to experience LIFE is ever present. but where to start, what to do, eludes me. I said to K recently that i just want to get away from it ALL. how about we drop everything and go to the US for 2 months. road-trip across the great U.S.A with not a care in the world. no itinerary. just the two of us exploring that great country. it sounded romantic to me. but after considering if for some weeks, romantic is not what she thought of the idea. So here i am still. questioning my existence. reflecting on my 43 years. scary. like a hamster on a wheel i continue to go round and round. and round and round. actually it's more like back and forth. back and forth from home to work. and back again. each day.

ebay humour

i thought this was classic.

this is a description of an item on ebay:
"The (insert item) displayed here on the long untidy grass that the video game playing food munching slug boy is too lazy to mow".

I sent the seller a question asking where the item could be picked up from. This was the reply:
"(insert suburb) 12 minutes from Carindale Shopping Centre where the wife spends everything I earn and more on stuff she doesn't wear because she thinks it makes her butt look big"

I gotta buy from this guy!!!

THIRTY-NINE!!!

it's a well known or little know fact...depending on how well or how not well, you know me...that i turned 39 just before christmas. obviously i had 39 years to prepare for this event but on the actual occurance of it, i'd have to say i had and have an issue with it.

i've never been one who gives two shits about my age. i've never been hung up on the ageing process. i've never pondered for hours in front of the mirror over the lines slowly, but almost feeling like over-night, apprearing on my face.

at 38 i even made plans for how i wanted to celebrate my 40th. as if this was an event i couldn't wait to get to. almost to the point that i was willing to wish a whole 2 years of my precious life away just to have a party.

but suddenly, at 39 i've realised i'm in the last year of my 30s. have my 30s been that good that i'm not willing to let them go? well like any passage of time, the years have had their ups and downs. the ups including travel, meeting the love of my life, changing jobs, meeting new people. the downs were family members sick or dying, loosing life-long friends to a cult, not being able to conceive through AI, changing jobs. the turmoils experienced by everyone in what is called living life.

so today i'm 39. in three hundred and something days i'll be 40. if i am having an issue at 39, will 40 be an issue? yes, i think it might be. but not sure what the issue is yet. perhaps its the feeling that i've never actually achieved anything with my life. oh but i have a job. i have a mortgage. those are accomplishments, right? obviously i'm searching for something more meaningful for my life.

the funniest thing i read today

the saga of our leaking roof continues. this is what it looks like in a storm

but the funniest thing i have read today was the warranty provided by the roofer which states:

7 Year Warranty

• on all workmanship
• roof leaks
• any damage to your home, whether related or unrelated to the works performed on your roof, if proven with clear evidence to be as a result of our works, will be repaired free of charge

i would think that the above video proves there is a roof leak!

bad photoshop editing or what?

what is with Julia Gillard's feet??? is this bad photoshop editing or what?
and why would her feet need photoshopping?? hair feet perhaps?

what's with the tie a red ribbon around the tree?

a phenonamon has occurred in the "avenues". red ribbons tied around tree trunks.

legend has it that some old biddy down the way spent a christmas in america where she saw the festive tradition of red ribbons tied around the trees. if anyone can actually confirm this tradition and explain it, that would be appreciated.

the following christmas she doned the red ribbons around her own trees. the custome caught on because in the "avenues" it is mandatory to keep up....and do one better than....the Jones'.

so i thought you would be interested to see to what extent this custom has caught on in the "avenues".

so in true charlie's angels style, i needed a cover. i thought it would look sus if i wandered the streets on my own taking photos outside of people' houses. so i diguised myself as a dog walker. here we are. george is a dog undercover so i can't show you his face. i actually didn't think my lary pants would make me stand out.

so we walked the two avenues taking photos. there are 25 houses adorned with red ribbons. they range in size. here's a selection.

but it's not limited to trees. they also adorne fence posts, hedges, gateways, street poles even.....


and no shit....even no standing signs....

so you think i'm just being a christmas grinch? well some just go over the top in my opinion!

my new blog

this is my new blog. like it? blue and green should never be seen. but i thought i'd push the boundaries.