crushes

why is it ok that when you are 12 years old...or even 15 years old....it's ok to have posters on your bedroom wall of the people you couldn't bare to spend the rest of your life without? when i was somewhere between the ages of 12 to 15 my bedroom wall was covered in posters of Michael Jackson.

(yes this is an actual photo of my bedroom. i have concealed my friend's face to save her embarrassment)
my friends had posters of Duran Duran...yes i was the odd one. one of my friends had, honestly, her whole bedroom, floor to ceiling and cross the ceiling, covered in posters of Duran Duran and in particular Nick Rhodes. you could not see a single skerrick of paint on the walls or ceiling for the posters.
but eventually we grow out of it, right? sooner or later "things" change and the posters come down off the walls. why? is it that our affections shift from celebrity crushes to our first boyfriend?...and that would be awkward having posters of Nick Rhodes, or worse, Michael Jackson, looking at you while you are making out with John Smith, the blue eyed, blonde haired captain of the basketball team, in your bedroom....ok I made all that up. I never made out with the captain of the basketball team when i was a teen....sigh.
so this is where it gets slightly embarrassing. perhaps slightly is an understatement! i didn't stop having celebrity crushes as aged 15. in fact i still have them today and if i could put posters on my wall, i would. i even have this little book...a diary of sorts where when i was OLDER than 15...i think it was more about the time i was coming out to myself so i would have been in my late 20s...i wrote down a list of my crushes. the list was completely celebrity focused and of course was a list of ALL women. i don't have time now to find the book and read out the names but i'm pretty sure the list included people such as Jennifer Keyte.
so why am i writing about this now when i really should be writing my Business Law assignment? well i have a confession....and it's borne from spending way too much time on my own....i have a new celebrity crush...yeah, so what? well this one not only somewhat surprised me, but the surprise really came from my intense reaction to it....hold that thought.
so given i have been a virtual bachelor for the past year....a deliberate overstatement....i have once again superficially immersed myself in the tv show The L Word. i say "superficially" because, having watched all 6 seasons numerous times, i am now only watching the story-lines i actually enjoy i.e. the story-lines involving Bette and Tina. so having reviewed the scenes again...and i don't know whether it's my own maturity yudda yudda yudda...but i'm attracted for the first time to TINA. previously it was BETTE BETTE BETTE...BETTE ALL THE WAY! not withstanding this i still do L.O.V.E BETTE! to the point where i love to hear Bette say the name Tina or when she calls her "T"...which gets a little strange given i have a friend at work named Tina but thankfully she DOES NOT make it to my "crush" list!
anyway, tonight i found myself googling Laurel Holloman, the actress who plays Tina...i don't want to know details...i just wanted to look at pictures!..such as these....

and when i found these pictures...unsuspend the "intense reaction" comment....i found myself having a physical reaction...my eyes welled with tears...oh my god she is gorgeous! yes, i am slightly depressed at the moment....hence the overly emotional reaction.
but another thing that surprised me when i was re-watching B&T scenes...a scene i had forgotten about was the love scene between B&T when T is pregnant. she's like 8 months pregnant! i was surprised how "hot" this scene was. i had never looked at pregnant women in that light before. so here i lay bare my embarrassing celebrity crush...and all i can ask is that when you judge me, be kind.
on another note....i also L.O.V.E. Kate Winslet....in a strange way....that's for another blog post.

Credit card

So last weekend I revealed that I was FINALLY applying for a credit card. Yes I have managed to survive 42 years without one! Crazy, I know! Let me just give you the detail – I was simply asking for a credit card with a $3,000 limit…I didn’t need much…just “contingency…in case of emergency” money. And why would I need this after 42 years? Well I am going to my first work conference….my first interstate trip on my LONESOME! So I figured a woman in her mid-life should have some security when travelling ALONE…even though flights, accommodation for 7 nights, breakfasts and 3 dinners will be pre-paid. Besides I have heard countless stories of people arriving at their accommodation, which is supposedly been paid for by their employer, only to find that IT HASN’T been and they have had to pay for the accommodation themselves, with their personal CREDIT CARD until they can get it sorted. NO WAY was I going to go all the way to Tasmania without a contingency plan….that’s a long way…it’s over-seas! Anyway, imagine my SURPRISE when I get an email response back from my bank…the same institution I have banked with for at least the past 10 years and have had 2 mortgages with, without any default or late payments on those mortgages….DECLINING my application! YES you read correctly – DECLINE. With a friendly suggestion that if I wanted to re-submit the application under JOINT names (whoever that may be), my application would be reconsidered. I was INSULTED! Well unfortunately I don’t want a JOINT credit card. I’m 42 YEARS OLD. I receive a $85k+ annual salary from my continuing position – not contract…not fixed term…CONTINUING! I have no dependants (other than my fur-kids). I have no car loan (that they know of). They can see the transactions in my account so I know they know I am paying bills from that account…there is money coming in and money going out….But oh yes I have MORTGAGE! Admittedly it is with another bank. but it is sooo unfortunate that the application form doesn’t ask for YOUR CONTRIBUTION towards any such debt. Obviously my contribution is 50%. Instead the application is processed as if you are 100% responsible for the mortgage – which I know in real terms I am…but I’M NOT! So why should that matter anyway? We have a $600k MORTGAGE to a house valued at over $800K for which we are 2 payments ahead of schedule! Once again, evidence on our part of good financial management. So I decided to call the bank. ok I’m going to name and shame. HERITAGE BUIDLING SOCIETY. I’m sure it is not just me who thinks it is ludicrous that a 42 year old woman (I know I am labouring the age point) on a $85k annual salary, with an impeccable credit history, effectively cannot get a loan for $3,000! They TRIED to help…and I TRIED to be civil. But you know they are constrained by policy and automated computer programs that work this stuff out for them. So because it LOOKS LIKE the mortgage is more than 85% of my salary, I don’t fit within their credit card POLICY. I did feel for the young woman taking my call. You know she probably earns half of what I earn and she probably has a credit card or two…so she probably can’t relate. But when I gave her the scenario that I could walk into any bank today, open a savings account with a deposit of $500 (which I have just withdrawn from my HERITAGE BUILDING SOCIETY ACCOUNT) and would be offered a credit card with a $5k limit…and in 6 months’ time probably be inundated with letters asking me if I wanted to UP that limit to $10k or $15k or even $25k…well she said, yes I could probably do that. So when I gave her the scenario of what if I was in an abusive relationship? What if I was trying to escape that relationship and my only hope to get away and on my own feet was with a $3,000 credit limit. Obviously I can’t ask my physically abusive partner to jointly sign with me because then my plan to escape under the cloak of darkness would be foiled. And didn’t she know that the number one obstacle for women leaving abusive relationships is economic dependence??!! Well she then decided perhaps her supervisor should get involved. Seriously do these people have absolutely NO REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE? Oh that’s right. They rely on computer programs to give them the answers to people problems! So I spoke with the supervisor…who again was pleasant and I tried my darndest to be pleasant in return. His suggestion was for me to email him a copy of my mortgage statement and get a LETTER from my partner effectively saying I was capable of paying off my credit card debt! This is my first trip interstate ON MY OWN. I don’t do much ON MY OWN. I just want a friggin credit card in MY OWN NAME so I can start doing things ON MY OWN. So I am NOT DEPENDENT on someone else! I admit. I did think about it....The whole supplying of extra evidence just so I could get my own credit card. But then I thought “fuck it!”. So I opened up the St George website, who we have our mortgage with. And then I realised they application would probably ask me for my member number. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what that is. So I opened up the ANZ website (I have NEVER banked with ANZ - but you know, a bank is bank these days), found their credit card application site and applied on-line. The question they asked, the point of difference with HERITAGE BUILDING SOCIETY, was “what is your CONTRIBUTION to your mortgage”…easy – 50% of the monthly repayment. WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM credit card application APPROVED immediately. Unfortunately for $6,000 (the lowest limit available) rather than $3,000 which is all I needed. The final step in the process….email those idiots at HERITAGE BUILDING SOCIETY and say THANKS but no thanks. I have been approved a credit card in less time I was on the phone to you and I will be making arrangements to close both of our HERITGE BUILDING SOCIETY accounts.

if I was rich - what car would I drive?

if I was rich....like if i won lotto or something. i wouldn't spend the money of classy cars. no! i am a bit of a bogan rev-head at heart. i would spend then money on some classics. like these for example.

now this car, a Mustang Cobra, was driving by Chris - Farrah Fawcett's character in Charlie's Angels. or this one.

this is a Ford Pinto - as driven by Sabrina in Charlie's Angels. but apparently it's known to be a bit of a dog/lemon. i would also add one of these to my collection

now this is a Datsun 280Z as driven by the Bionic Woman. so it would seem that my fetish in cars is heavily influenced by my television viewing from my childhood. but i'm not rich...and i will never win lotto....because i don't ever buy a ticket. so i guess i'll have to settle for what i currently drive.

MY TIME

one year ago when i got my current job...which is a continuing position....which i haven't had for gee at least 5 years....Kim says to me "it's time to focus on your career". this was in response to me supporting her for the previous 6 years in her very demanding job and now she was in a less demanding job so it was MY TIME....supposedly she was happy to take the 'back seat' and play the supportive wife to my ambitions. so imagine my SURPRISE when she announces to me today that she is thinking of putting in an application for a job in New Zealand!...what happened to it being MY TIME? apparently she's been asked by a recruitment agent to 'put her hat in the ring' for this role....which is similar to what she is currently doing but it's a national level job. other than the fact that over the past year since Kim's dad died we have been talking about living closer to our parents so we can enjoy quality time with them in their elder years but what about it being MY TIME to focus on MY CAREER?? and you know i'm all for a shake up in our lives....i've made it quite clear that i'm itching to run away....throw caution to the wind and take 3 months off work and road-trip across the USA....that is a little different to quitting my job altogether and moving across the ditch! of course all this gets thrown back at me..."i thought you were looking for a change?"..."NZ is only 3 hours away, it's not that far to come back and visit our aging parents....and they would want us to be living our lives"..."there are universities in NZ"....yudda yudda yudda...but all i can hear in my head is "I THOUGHT IT WAS MY TIME TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER!!" in the end i just said "well i've never been to New Zealand so i can't say whether or not i like it" and as every supportive partner says "if it's really something you're interested in, i guess you have to at least put an application in". no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet!

Just your common perv

So the other night I had a dream about someone at work...not a colleague or someone I actually work with. i'm not going to go into the details of the dream but it was one of those dreams that stay with you the next day...for whatever reason...it was pretty timid so you can get your mind out of the gutter right now! before the dream i had never seen this girl in that light so i was a bit perplexed why i would 1. dream of HER (because I haven't actually had much to do with her) and 2. have that sort of dream about her. but it did put her in a new light so for the past 2 days I've found myself looking out for her...not looking FOR her like all stalking the hallways, but just seeing if she's about....I'm not sure what i expected to find. anyway, late today on my way back to my office after a 2 hour lunch break, i walked past the meeting room and she was in there in a group meeting. i made a face at the chairperson...who poked her tongue back at me....and kept on with my business. i then went to our regular friday afternoon work drinks and unbeknownst to me at first, she was there...sitting across the room from me. she was wearing a lovely blue dress and if any other girl had her puppies out like she did, i would have been saying 'put those things away'..but on this occasion, i didn't think that. i actually thought how CUTE she looked and why hadn't i noticed that before?! (but obviously I did, hence the dream) anyway, at the end of drinks i went back to my office to shut down my computer etc. i started walking to my car...via the internal stairs, which i never do...and as i got to the lower level of the building, i ran into her also leaving the building....so we walked together towards the bus stop and my car. we chatted about what we were doing on the weekend...where she lived...how she was getting home....all those professional stalker questions! and then she dropped the BF-bomb. of course she would have a boyfriend. what did i expect??!!! AND she's probably 20 years younger than me. i felt like such a common perv and pedo!!!

Intimacy

Ok...so I've been told (recently) that I lack intimacy. I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment. I'm also not sure I know what that means exactly. I've also been told that I don't share my self...not myself...but my self. See the subtle difference? Once again, I'm not sure I understand what that means or how that looks, how it manifests itself in my day-to-day behaviour. I've been "marinating" on it for a couple of days now and I'm still I'm not sure I get it. Do I have a screw loose? A not-fully connected wire somewhere? Because i truly don't know how to be any different to what i am. I guess this is something I need to explore. But it's late and I'm going to go to sleep and see if I can conjure up some intimate dreams. 

friendships and predictions

So trawling through my old blog posts last night I came across one from September 2005 that started with this statement:

i have three friends in my life that i have no doubt will be in my life for the rest of my life. the entirety. forever. till death do us part. i only have one other 100% convincing thought about my life and that is that i will die in the city in which i was born. it's an overwhelming thought. a prophecy almost. a thought filled with comfort. but what a horrible thought. to have to live some part of my life without any one of them. i hope i die first.

Apparently a lot can change in eight years! Even something that I had NO DOUBT wouldn’t, actually did! Two of those everlasting friends are actually not really friends any more. Not in my sense of the word “friend”. One left my life to commit to her religion (I think). Part of me understands that. If nothing else I appreciate people who stand up for and live by their convictions. If she truly believes that being gay is against the teachings of the bible then who am I to judge her for her convictions. I certainly don’t want her (or anyone) to judge me for my convictions. Obviously it is hurtful and disappointing. I have hope that one day she will return to my life. About this friend I went on to further write:

it hasn't always been easy. our friendship. the thing that has caused us the most grief, MEN! now that i'm no longer interested in men, there is no more grief between us. there is nothing (now), in my life, that i would not tell her. our friendship hasn't been perfect. i haven't been a perfect friend. but if there is anything that i have learned from her it's the value of friendship. and the power of forgiveness. there is nothing in this world that i would not do for her and her little boy. that is a fact.

Perhaps she was only supposed to be in my life for 35 years so that I could learn those valuable lessons. The other ‘friend’ just left and I don’t know why. She hasn’t physically left although she does live a distance away but she’s just not there/here with me. This is how I described our friendship back in 2005:

we have known each other since 1993. from the first day we met we both felt like we had met our soul mate. kindred spirits. it was mutual. strange for two heterosexual women (well so we thought!). we have a lot in common. chosen profession (for awhile). music. movies. only-child syndrome. lesbianism. i don't think there is one thing that binds us. it's a package deal. hard to pin-point THE one thing that has kept our friendship constant. unexplainable really. she has an incredible sense of humour. she is one person who I can really laugh with and i think i tickle her funny bone also. once again, words are inadequate (in my vocab) to describe this beautiful and unique friendship that i have.

The third friend that I mentioned in the opening paragraph, well she is still around…and by around I mean on the other side of the world. We keep up-to-date with each other’s lives via FB. That seems to work for us. Friendships and predictions. Who would have thought I’d get it so wrong?!

drunkard

i've just spent part of tonight reading back through blog entries from 2005. holy cow! when i think back to that time, i know i was making some really bad decisions. decisions based on my emotional state at the time. i had broken up with yet another girl (this time with one that had kids) and found comfort in a 'married' woman whom i worked with. a woman who was much older than me. a woman who was in a role of authority. a woman of maturity. an artistic woman. it was exciting. i was single. i had not a care in the world. obviously i was not thinking rationally nor with maturity. anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. most of my poor decisions at the time where fueled by alcohol. drunken emails sent to my 'lover'. flowers ordered over the internet (to be delivered to my lover) during an alcoholic stupor only to regret it the next day and frantically call the florist to cancel the order or at least divert the delivery of said flowers. but my penchant for alcohol had started many years earlier. but i found i turned to it in times of extreme emotional confusion. which ended up just being a comforting habit in good times and bad. what's the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic? this is a question that i ask myself on a daily basis. i once read that alcoholism is when you drink so much that it effects your day-to-day life. i guess reflecting back on the events of 2005 one could say alcohol was having an effect. in my blog i write about going to work with a hang-over. i write about not being able to string thoughts together because of too much red wine. i've already mentioned some of the behaviour that followed a night fueled by booze. this to me sounds like an alcoholic. but lets examine me today. i no longer go to work with a hang-over. i haven't made any really bad decisions of late, it fact the complete opposite. my life is sooo stayed that i'm boring myself to an early and self-inflicted death but what about the these actions: i know i can get 3 glasses of vodka from one can of diet coke. i only like to drink vodka from a certain glass that way i can assure the proportion of vodka v diet coke is correct - hence i can get 3 drinks from one can. it's scientific. it's cost effective. when buying vodka i purposely try not to go to the same bottlo too often. instead i vary it between the 2 BWSs near my house and the First Choice Liquor on my way home from work. i will only buy vodka for as long as i can find it for under $30 a bottle. i am literally scared of that day arriving when there is a rice hike and i can't buy it for the right price. i am a woman of convictions and this may be a promise i have set myself that i am doomed to fail. it's not all bad. I no longer go to work, like i did in 2005, feeling like i have a hang-over - but is that just because i'm 'piss-fit'?

here we go again

Well well well...look what I've found. i've resurrected my very old blog. it's been, what, 3 years! way too long. i enjoyed reading the post about turning 39. now i'm almost 43 and i have to say, nothing has changed. yes i celebrated my 40th like there was no tomorrow but the endless feeling of emptiness...of "there must be more to life" continues. the need to push boundaries. to experience LIFE is ever present. but where to start, what to do, eludes me. I said to K recently that i just want to get away from it ALL. how about we drop everything and go to the US for 2 months. road-trip across the great U.S.A with not a care in the world. no itinerary. just the two of us exploring that great country. it sounded romantic to me. but after considering if for some weeks, romantic is not what she thought of the idea. So here i am still. questioning my existence. reflecting on my 43 years. scary. like a hamster on a wheel i continue to go round and round. and round and round. actually it's more like back and forth. back and forth from home to work. and back again. each day.