drunkard

i've just spent part of tonight reading back through blog entries from 2005. holy cow! when i think back to that time, i know i was making some really bad decisions. decisions based on my emotional state at the time. i had broken up with yet another girl (this time with one that had kids) and found comfort in a 'married' woman whom i worked with. a woman who was much older than me. a woman who was in a role of authority. a woman of maturity. an artistic woman. it was exciting. i was single. i had not a care in the world. obviously i was not thinking rationally nor with maturity. anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. most of my poor decisions at the time where fueled by alcohol. drunken emails sent to my 'lover'. flowers ordered over the internet (to be delivered to my lover) during an alcoholic stupor only to regret it the next day and frantically call the florist to cancel the order or at least divert the delivery of said flowers. but my penchant for alcohol had started many years earlier. but i found i turned to it in times of extreme emotional confusion. which ended up just being a comforting habit in good times and bad. what's the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic? this is a question that i ask myself on a daily basis. i once read that alcoholism is when you drink so much that it effects your day-to-day life. i guess reflecting back on the events of 2005 one could say alcohol was having an effect. in my blog i write about going to work with a hang-over. i write about not being able to string thoughts together because of too much red wine. i've already mentioned some of the behaviour that followed a night fueled by booze. this to me sounds like an alcoholic. but lets examine me today. i no longer go to work with a hang-over. i haven't made any really bad decisions of late, it fact the complete opposite. my life is sooo stayed that i'm boring myself to an early and self-inflicted death but what about the these actions: i know i can get 3 glasses of vodka from one can of diet coke. i only like to drink vodka from a certain glass that way i can assure the proportion of vodka v diet coke is correct - hence i can get 3 drinks from one can. it's scientific. it's cost effective. when buying vodka i purposely try not to go to the same bottlo too often. instead i vary it between the 2 BWSs near my house and the First Choice Liquor on my way home from work. i will only buy vodka for as long as i can find it for under $30 a bottle. i am literally scared of that day arriving when there is a rice hike and i can't buy it for the right price. i am a woman of convictions and this may be a promise i have set myself that i am doomed to fail. it's not all bad. I no longer go to work, like i did in 2005, feeling like i have a hang-over - but is that just because i'm 'piss-fit'?